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Marina Girl Says on Who'll Be the Next "Mr. Marina"

Who better to assess the ten contenders at Wednesday's Mr. Marina competition than noted expert, Marina Girl Says.

Alex Schmitt

"Italian and has four names. That's sexy."

Ben Hartard

"Plays badminton, which is extremely preppy and I like it."

David Rust

"Went to Stanford, plays golf. Probably has a lot of pastel polo shirts & might know Tiger Woods."

 

David St. Geme

"Fancy sounding last name. Chic."

 

 

Ish Simpson

"Raps. I like that."

Jason Del Grande

"SF native, which could make him my perfect match, since I never want to leave the 10 block radius of the Marina. Ever."

Johnny Affourtit

"Might have nicer hair than me."

John Kennelly

"He's an avid golfer, which is an extremely sexy hobby. I like all my boyfriends to play any sport that has a clubhouse."

Manton Paine

"His full name is Manton Alexander Paine, which sounds very Roman Numeral Guy-esque. The yuppier and richer-sounding, the better."

Peter O'Hare

"He prefers to date hot blondes who don't eat solid food, so we're fully compatible."

The second annual Mr. Marina Competition will take over Ruby Skye this Wednesday to raise money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and, of course, to crown one man the ultimate Sperry-sporting, Ray-Ban-jocking, Balboa-frequenting King of Chestnut. But with so many man-tanks and side-parts on the stage, how can the average person tell the ten contestants apart? We called in an expert: SF's favorite fake social media star, Marina Girl Says. Here, after analyzing each dude's official Mr. Marina profile, as well as Google searching their private lives, our guest expert weighs in on the upsides and downsides of each contender. May the best bro win!
 

Alex Schmitt
Pros: Normal-sized nipples (v. important). Works in finance, which is clearly a positive. Potentially my future husband.
Cons: In the Bachelor's of San Francisco club, which he should probably reconsider. Allegedly loves MILFs, like every other guy in the 94123.

Ben Hartard
Pros: Has a charity dog walking service, so he can walk my dog Kiki! Looks good in blue and owns at least one blazer that we know of.
Cons: Works at Google so probably trying to steal all of my personally identifiable information. Went to USC. Can't trust a Trojan.

David Rust
Pros: Campaign slogan is "Rust will shine." (That's super cute.) Has corporate sponsors like Lyft and Laundry Locker, which means he is probably really good at business-y things.
Cons: Will probably pick you up for a date in a Lyft. Last name is Rust, which is v. unfort for future wife.

David St. Geme
Pros: Went to Stanford and likes to go to the beach—two of the "must haves" on my 73-item checklist for my future husband. Rocks a KKG man-tank like an all star.
Cons: Describes himself as a "normal guy" and "not that big of a deal." Girls don't get naked for guys who talk like that. His Mr. Marina profile reads like a Seinfeld episode or one big inside joke, and like, I don't get it. At. All.

Ish Simpson
Pros: Has, like, a million guy friends, so if you hang out with him one night at Hifi or Monaghan's, you will probably meet your future ex boyfriend or at least a guy to make out with for the night.
Cons: Seems to promote egregious alcoholism. Has a posse who follows him around Chestnut Street and into bars wearing his face as a mask, so you might get confused who the real Ish is.

Jason Del Grande
Pros: Seems like he is very family oriented, but that's probably because I am 98% sure he's in the Italian mafia. Has the cutest smile ever: It literally melts my heart.
Cons: This Mr. Marina contest is clearly the highlight of his life.

Johnny Affourtit
Pros: Has really, really nice hair. From Chicago so maybe he has some of those "Midwest Values" that I keep hearing about but never get to experience because I keep dating East Coast finance guys with trust funds and mommy issues.
Cons: I have never seen him in a picture with a female or hooked up with him in real life, so I can't confirm his heterosexuality.

John Kennelly
Pros: He's from Detroit, so he probably knows Eminem.
Cons: I'm unable to confirm that he's taller than 5'7". He admits that his crowning achievement in life is meeting Brian Wilson and Pat Burrell, so he clearly needs to dream bigger.

Manton Paine
Pros: Helps the needy by doing Meals on Wheels with his dad in Hawaii, which means he probably has a house in Hawaii. Jackpot.
Cons: Lives in the Presidio, which is technically Marina-adjacent. Has zero Google Image results, which leads me to believe he may actually be partially deformed.

Peter O'Hare
Pros: He spray tans and only pretends to work out. We're clearly twins, separated at birth.
Cons: Self-admitted Balboa cougar hunter. It's ok to actually do that, but never EVER admit it, especially on the internet. Spent 5 years at UCSB, which means he will probably need a new liver by 38.

 

The Mr. Marina Competition starts Wednesday at Ruby Skye at 7pm. Get tickets here

For a lot more Marina Girl Says,  follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

Have feedback? Email us at letterssf@sanfranmag.com