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SF Is the Tracy Jordan of Cities

Put all those city-ranking lists together, and we have won the civic equivalent of the EGOT.

Tracy Morgan

We live every week like its Shark Week.

If there were an EGOT for cities, San Francisco would be Tracy Jordan.

Every week it seems like we are winning most "this" American city or we're in the top five of some random listicle. A little trite? Sure. A good way to kill fifteen minutes at work? Definitely.

Just last week Walkscore.com released its most walkable American cities and we placed second behind New York. A placement we find fair—especially considering that New York's subway goes pretty much everywhere at all hours and it doesn't have treacherously steep hills.

So let's take a stroll through our trophy room and survey our numerous and various titles—and what they say about the city.

This spit take-inducing list by Vocativ places us as the third most livable city in the US for people under 35. Now if this list counted only Googlers or young people who have funky startups, I'd be outraged we didn't get number one. But, remember, a lot of young people in this city are sharing 10x10 ft. rooms for $900/month each in an apartment with no living room. Not to mention craft beer and food truck delectables can be just as taxing on a young person in this city as rent, also Dolores Park edibles ain't cheap either.

Eye roll gif for this one. Real estate blog Movoto awarded us as the "Preppiest City in America" because: "According to our findings, folks in San Francisco are pretty much born preppy." Really? The Marina is our only preppy neighborhood, and the prepsters there are either East Coast transplants or Gavin Newsom. They are more parking spots in this city than there are native-born preps. (And it looks like Movoto has discovered Oakland too.)

The Economist named us the 5th most competitive city in the US and 18th in the world. If they included the scramble for tables at NoPa for brunch then we'd make the top ten walking away.

When it comes to bike-friendliness, we're number 6 according to Bicycling Magazine. We got hella bike lanes, good biking weather, a strong bike advocacy organization in the SF Bike Coalition, but according to some, we have a police department rife with anti-bike bias.

I'm not a published author on the subject of steampunk, but I'm pretty sure at #4, we're more steampunk than Atlanta (#1), but less so than Portland (#7). I've seen Portlandia, every other sketch is steampunk themed.

Speaking of which, Portland barely edges us out for the best beer city. You know what, that's fair because steampunking and brewing are like 60% of the Portland economy anyway. We'll beat them when we finally come up with an app that gets you drunk.

Now this is just absurd. We're the 8th smartest city behind such modern-day Athens like Orlando (#7), Tampa (#6), and Pittsburgh (#1). The only way Orlando beats us if everyone who works at SeaWorld has Ph.D in marine biology and I'm guessing Tampa's strippers must have stayed in town after they paid their way through school by stripping. But don't let this get you down, Fast Company thinks we're number two in smarts!

If you really want to get mad, check out this list by Rolling Out that leaves us out of its top 15 Gayest Cities in America list. We got beat out the notoriously flamboyant burgs of Tacoma and Spokane. Worst? Even though we're left out of the list, they used a picture of us for the Oakland listing!

Next time you feel overwhelmed by all the raw vegan free range organic locally grown food trends obsessions, just know all that hullabaloo is hugely responsible for us being the 4th fittest city in America. Now you'll excuse I have to go to my pilates-yoga-centrifuge class.

So what this is all saying about us? If you're a young vegan steampunk with a master's degree who drinks craft beer, ride bikes, and occasionally wear polo shirts this is the town for you! San Franciscans always love to brag about how awesome we are in so many different ways, which makes sense, because we are the snobbiest city in America.

 

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Email George McIntire at gmcintire@modernluxury.com
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Follow George McIntire on Twitter @georgemcint