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What Really Went Down at Today's Willie Brown Bay Bridge Naming Ceremony

We had a listen.

Ever since we ran that juicy piece profiling Willie Brown's lady friend Sonya Molodetskaya, we haven't been receiving as many personal invitations from Da Mayor as we used to. (Willie, baby, call us!) So, instead of going to today's bridge-naming ceremony and reporting on what actually happened, we borrowed some bugging equipment from our pals in the NSA and stole a listen. Here's a transcript of the private conversation that took place at the politico-packed ceremony:

 

Willie Brown: All of you people came out just for me? Why there's more people here now than voted for me the first time I ran for the Assembly. That was a joke, Ed. Laugh at it.

Ed Lee: [Laughs]

Willie Brown: Seriously, don't you people have day jobs?

Gavin Newsom: Well, since the Governor woke up alive today, it wasn't like I was busy.

Brown: Speaking of which, where is Jerry anyhow?

Newsom: He's been locked in that sweat lodge since Sunday. Something about a vision quest and rain gods? I don't know.

Brown: Hey, there's my friend Jean! Jean, how's Oakland?

Jean Quan: Pretty good, I'm told. Not sure. Haven't been there lately. Lotta conferences.  

Brown: What about you, Mister Mayor?

Ed Lee: Willie, you ordered me to be here.

Brown [chuckling]: Yes I did. Yes I did.

Kamala Harris: Willie.

Brown: Kamala. [Awkward pause] Have you met Sonya?

Sonya Molotdetskaya: Kamala.

Harris: Sonya. [Awkward pause].

Brown: You know, Kamala, somebody's going to have to run for Attorney General after you get elected governor.

Newsom [mumbling]: Motherfuu...[garbled]...sonofabi....[garbled]

Brown: Sonya was telling me just the other day she wanted to get into more public service. She's loving being on the Immigrant Rights Committee. Think you'd want to do an early endorsement?

Harris: I'll have to, um, get back to you on that one.

Quan: Willie, what do you think about naming the other half of the bridge after somebody from the East Bay? Another elected official maybe? Somebody who broke some gender barriers?

Brown: I think it's a wonderful idea.

Quan: You do? 

Brown: Ed, write this note down for me. Call Darrell Steinberg. Ask him to the name east span for Barbara Lee.

[Ed Lee furiously scribbles notes.]

Newsom [points to the water]: I think I see somebody swimming down there.

Brown: Where? Oh I see him too. Is that—?

Lee: No, it can't be.

Newsom: I think it is.

Brown: It is. It is Aaron Peskin. 

Newsom: What's he doing? What's in his hands?

Brown: It looks like a power drill. 

Lee: Why would he be swimming with a power drill?

Harris: Oh no. He can't be.

Brown: Oh he is. 

Newsom: You're joking.

Brown: No chance. He's definitely drilling holes into the bridge.

Harris: That's what it looks like to me.

[A loud cracking sound is heard. The bridge sways dangerously.]

Brown: Oh no! We're too high up! If this bridge goes—

Newsom: I can't swim. My hairgel weighs me down too much.

[The bridge sways again, closer to collapsing.]

Brown: This is it. We're all headed to the big City Hall in the sky. [Looking at Harris] If anybody wanted to declare their undying but secret love for me, now would probably be the right time.

Harris: Nope.

Brown: Sonya?

Molodetskaya: [Making out with Newsom; doesn't notice.]

Brown: I've wasted my life. 

Lee: I'll always love you, Willie!

[Peskin drills another hole into the bridge. As he does, the structure trembles violently, and then begins to collapse. The roadway gives out, and Brown and the others fall into the water with a giant splash.]

Brown [sputtering]: We're, we're alive. What happened?

Newsom: It's this cheap Chinese steel. It's as soft as rubber!

Lee: Everyone, grab onto me. My mustache will keep us afloat until the Google Barge rescues us.

Brown: $4 toast on me! 

 

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